Letter to Greasy, Clown-Faced, Mustache Woman (or Man) from Sioux City, IA

Dear Greasy, Clown-Faced Mustache Woman (or Man) from Sioux City, IA,

I was very rudely awakened by the obnoxious sound of your multiple-pictured texts on my cell phone at about midnight this Monday. I am writing this letter because you obviously missed the outgoing memo to all of the skanks who have been assisting my husband with his porn and sexting problem. Just to re-cap, I have been using his cell phone as my personal phone for about 5 months now. So those texts you have been getting from him are directly from his work number, not the old cell number.  Please don’t confuse the two again as the following pictures and messages have given me nightmares:

712204****:

Sent: Aug 29

712204****:

Sent: Aug 29

712204****: Post cum face

Sent: Aug 29

In closing, I thought I would comment and/or make a few suggestions regarding each of these delightful images that have forever stained the SD card on my phone.

Picture # 1:

Lose the college lamp behind your head. If making yourself look like you are hunkered down taking the dump of a lifetime was what you were going for, you nailed it, Sista! Bravo. Maybe try dabbing yourself with one of those oil absorbing cloths between strains next time.

Picture # 2:

The toilet paper roll in the background, as aesthetically pleasing as it is to the eye, takes away from the fabulous thing you are doing… cropping out your face. Now I have known my husband for 13 plus years, and this, this is exactly what he would want from a girl like you. So you are right on. I am not sure what is wrong with your boobs, but my guess is perhaps they are a tad asymmetrical? I am only speculating because one can only assume if you are willing to show your face in the other photos, you would not have trouble showing of the chichi’s for this well-staged shoot.

Picture # 3:

Ah yes, and the piece de resistance, the photo you so articulately dubbed, “Post cum face”. What can I say? I think a more suitable description to highlight your injected lip issue would be something like, “Pre-sodomized anus” or “Vagina just after giving birth”, but who am I to judge?

Though I was completely done with my husband when I kicked him out of the house, your little calling card made the top of the pile of things to let my lawyer have a heyday with.  Especially since I have had ownership of this phone well before he moved out. Thank you so much for that. Next time you decide to send your pics and comments out into the ether world, remember what your mother always told you (because you obviously don’t have a father who takes an active role in your life).  Never write, text, or email something you don’t want the whole world to see.

To my soon-to-be ex-husband, thank you for the laughs. This one is priceless.